12 movies that explain why i’m like this

i am in no way qualified to rate films, but this has never stopped me from having the audacity to behave as though i am.

actually, i had just watched a film that finally completed my all-time top 12, and because this revelation felt spiritually important, my first instinct was to announce it on my blog that literally no one reads 🤠

this list is not here to make me look like a niche letterboxd girl with obscure french movie references and excellent bangs. these are simply 12 films that happened to be extremely compatible with whatever is wrong with me.

they’re not listed in any particular order. except for the last one. that one sits on a throne. that one is king.

#12: Inglourious Basterds

poster via this link. i own nothing except my opinion

we’re starting with a quentin tarantino film because peak cinema starts here. i’m sorry to announce that every other opening scene is now mid. actually, that is a lie. christopher nolan’s tenet remains a respectable contender. but come on. the opening of this movie could win an oscar for ‘best portrayal of anxiety’ using nothing but great acting, atmospheric dread, and a glass of milk—all BEFORE the plot even starts.

so if you ever have to watch one movie scene that delivers exactly what a good film should evoke in a human body—fear, awe, dread, fascination—just watch the opening scene and you’ll feel your heartbeat in parts of your body that shouldn’t have heartbeats.

christoph waltz is insane in this role. i will never forget the way he says “monsieur lapadite…” like he’s politely peeling your skin off. that line haunts me at random times and will probably be among my final thoughts on my deathbed.

watch it once for yourself. recommend it to your friends, your enemies, then pass it down to your children as the standard for what great cinema should look like.

#11: Perfect Blue

image sourced from this corner of the internet

this one is very, very special to me because i watched it completely blind. i had no idea what it was about, had never seen a trailer, and somehow ended up watching it alone at midnight in an old vancouver theatre—and i mean theatre-theatre, meaning it was built for live stage plays with rows of red velvet seats, enormous curtains framing the screen, and an atmosphere so perfectly suited to the movie that the place itself felt part of the film.

i genuinely could not have designed a better viewing experience. imagine watching an old movie at midnight in an actual theatre. it was exactly the kind of experience that ruined regular movie theatres for me afterward.

i spent the next hour and 22 minutes watching reality repeatedly fold in on itself. the movie was twisty, disturbing, deeply dark, and exactly the kind of psychological nightmare i voluntarily subject myself for entertainment. i walked in knowing absolutely nothing and left feeling deeply unsure whether i had watched the movie or the movie had watched me.

also, do not let the fact that it is an animation put you off. this remains one of those movies i would recommend to absolutely anyone. you could ask me what time it is, and i would probably tell you it’s time to watch perfect blue.

#10: God’s Crooked Lines

image courtesy of the film gods and this site

would you believe me if i told you there is a movie so outrageously good that looking away for even half a second feels physically impossible?

well, somebody made one, and it is called god’s crooked lines.

the entire movie hinges on one question: are we watching a woman solve a crime, or invent one?

because the way the plot unfolds???? fucking immaculate. it gives you just enough information to build a theory, waits until you have become emotionally attached to it, and then drops one perfectly timed flashback that makes you wonder whether you had been watching the same movie at all. every piece of information shows up exactly when it needs to, nothing feels wasted, and every reveal creates an even worse need to see what happens next.

whoever wrote this deserves green lights at every intersection.

i would erase my memory just to experience it again/10

#9: Mystic River

visual aid supplied here so you can see exactly how much foreshadowing can hide inside a river

mystic river begins with 3 boys walking into one terrible afternoon, which sounds like the beginning of a joke except the movie spends the next two hours proving there’s nothing funny about it.

and once again, we have a murder at the centre of the story. apparently, i have a type.

the mystery itself is excellent, but the underlying thought is what made me sit in a corner rocking myself in the fetal position: if the same terrible thing happens to several people, did it really happen to all of them in the same way?

this movie received six oscar nominations and won both best actor and best supporting actor, which, yes. correct. everyone in this fuckass movie acts so well that by the time the credits roll, you need to remind yourself none of it actually happened. (fuckass is affectionate here btw)

anyway. great film. absolutely ruined my evening. five stars.