every year, millions of adults survive another 12 months only to be rewarded with a sad little cake and the same four-line song their loved ones have been singing off-key for generations.

worse, some of them will announce that they “don’t really do anything” for their birthday, as if this is a perfectly normal sentence and not evidence of severe birthday neglect. no dinner. no party. maybe somebody remembers to mumble a quick ‘happy birthday’. perhaps 3 friends post the same photo of them from 2019 on their instagram stories.

and then everyone simply continues with the day.

nooooooooooooo

this cannot continue.

it is a catastrophic misuse of a perfectly good occasion.

you have just completed another full year of being alive. 12 months of minor humiliations, inconvenient character development, and saying “no worries” while actively developing several worries.

you should be celebrated with the production value of a minor royal wedding. at the very least, every birthday person should receive a ceremonial entrance.

this does not need to be expensive. i am reasonable. a full marching band would be ideal, but i understand that not everyone has the necessary band connections. 2 friends following behind you while banging pots and pans would be acceptable. 1 person playing a trumpet badly would also work. someone could scatter flower petals in front of you, although receipts, old failed exam papers, and shredded utility bills would produce the same visual effect.

the important thing is that you cannot simply walk into the room like an ordinary person.

someone must announce you.

your full name should be read aloud, followed by your age, and at least one completely unverifiable world-changing accomplishment.

then you enter—or, ideally, carried in. this requires a minimum of 3 people forming a chair with their arms while you sit and wave. your family must cry.

this should happen even if the birthday celebration is being held in a very public chain restaurant.

especially then, actually. nothing would improve a casual dining establishment faster than a 30 year-old being carried past confused families waiting for their Chickenjoy.

once safely in the celebration room, the birthday person should be permitted to pass a law.

for one day every year, you should be allowed to exercise a small and largely symbolic amount of absolute power.

perhaps everyone must address you as “your highness” until midnight.

perhaps raisins are banned from all the celebration food.

perhaps every conversation must begin with a short acknowledgment of your contributions to society.

you should also be allowed to choose one enemy who legally cannot speak for 24 hours.

this may be a personal enemy, a professional enemy, or simply someone who has recently irritated you in a way that does not technically justify revenge which is why this system exists.

they cannot leave. they should continue attending the celebration, eating the food, and witnessing your triumph.

there should also be a designated birthday historian.

this person must prepare a slideshow titled “everything you did this year, ranked by audacity”, documenting the birthday person’s major achievements, scandals, personal developments, and suspicious purchases from the previous 12 months.

possible categories include:

• gym membership cost per actual attendance
• most unnecessary purchase calculated by cost per minute of actual use
• fight of the year based on screenshots submitted
• meal ordered most frequently now recognized by your credit card as a subscription
• worst decision made according to everyone who tried to stop you

once the historian has concluded and everyone has had sufficient time to absorb the information, attention may turn to the evening’s musical program.

“happy birthday” has had a long run, but asking 10 people to stand around a cake and perform it badly at different speeds is no longer enough.

guests should perform it. there should be choreography. costumes. assigned harmonies. someone should have a solo. this role should be assigned based on confidence rather than ability.

the birthday person should remain seated throughout the performance and receive it with the solemn expression of someone watching their own national anthem performed.

after the performance, while everyone is still vocally compromised, all lights should dim and one guest should quietly activate the smoke machine.

this begins the birthday prophecy.

a robed birthday oracle should emerge through medically unnecessary amount of smoke and reveal predictions for the birthday person for the upcoming year. the prophecy may concern love, money, career, travel, or minor inconveniences.

“beware the man carrying a matcha latte.”

“one among you will say ‘let’s hangout again.’ they do not mean it.”

“someone from your past will return. they need the Netflix password.”

“you will take 23 photos and post the first one.”

“you will defeat a $10 shipping fee by spending $25 more.”

and then, finally, the cake.

for all the birthday upgrades i’m proposing, the blowing of the candles should stay. there is something magical about an entire room going quiet while one person sits in front of several tiny fires and is given a few seconds to privately ask the universe for something.

some people may call my ideas excessive and stupid. to them, i say: you have forgotten that some things deserve a little spectacle.

we are constantly told to save big celebrations for the most important achievements. graduations. promotions. weddings. babies. home ownership. things that come with some measurable form of success.

but birthdays ask almost nothing of us.

we do not need to have accomplished anything impressive. we do not need to have improved ourselves, met our goals, reached our potential, or finally started waking up at 5AM to drink lemon water.

we only have to have made it another year.

and then keep making it, year after year, with mixed success and several ongoing problems.

that should count for something.

i am not saying every birthday needs a rented venue, a fireworks display, and a motorcade, although i am not ruling those out.

i am saying we should be making a much bigger deal out of the people we care about having made it another year.

bring them a cake. embarrass them with a speech. prepare the slideshow. make a banner that is far too large for the room. give them a crown from temu and act as though it has been passed down through generations.

carry them through one doorway.

silence their enemy.

dance the birthday song.

let them issue their laws.

life is long until suddenly it isn’t.

and life is difficult except for those brief moments when the lights go out and someone walks in carrying a cake with your name on it.

we should take those moments seriously.

ridiculously seriously.